20th Dec 2016: Pasta in a storm

Got caught in a crazy storm.

Completely soaked through and had to sing to myself because I was so freaked out that I would be struck by lightning. All on my own, on a random street on this island. In Indonesia. The story was real.

Then I made it to the studio and in about 10 mins I had been handed a takeaway container filled with hot pasta and a milky earl grey tea creatively put in a glass jar so I could take it with me. They do not have take away cups here.

The speed and kindness overwhelms me for a moment and as I make it back to the room I am staying in I have to make a video diary of the whole thing because I feel so lucky to have somewhere warm and dry and so much food and tea. The candles are almost the last straw.

That was 25 minutes of experience.

I have moments where I really really do wonder what on earth I am doing. The wandering, the storms, all the time I eat on my own or take myself on solo adventures for one. I have people. I have a whole fucking army. Friends, family, lover. A whole tribe. The tribe actually spreads far and wide, a global tribe now. But there are a lot concentrated in London. And it is Christmas. And I am here, alone eating pasta in bed and completely drenched. There is a storm outside.

So why? I am here because of yoga I think. I am here because I have made other decisions and walked paths that have led me here. I am here because I needed to heal because I had a big experience this autumn and I knew that sunshine and teaching are sand and salt water are my most effective healers. 

I am getting to know my subpersonalities and it is a bit painful. I am doing it because I want to know all of myself.

I am living on an island and I will be away from everyone I love on Christmas day and I have left a lover back in London and I am eating pasta in bed on my own and being stuck in crazy storms because I want to know all of myself. And then I can know all of the world. I don’t think you can know yourself truly if you do not know at least some of the world.

I want to make friends that do not speak the same language as me but know that when you have been caught in the rain you need tea and pasta and you need it fast.

I want to have beers on my own and watch the sunset so I know I can do lovely things and sit with myself.

I want to miss Christmas and my family so I know just how much they are my people. I also want to miss so that I know what I will miss for my own path, purpose, work and journey.

I wonder sometimes if I have this deep seated need to put myself in challenging situations as both a measure of my strength but also maybe because I just like to be challenged or pushed or even hurt a little bit. I wonder if I am thinking too much about that. I am here because I am here and that is really all I know. But I do have this meaner thought inwardly that says ‘ohh they are playing it easy’ or ‘they are not really authentically living because they are staying in one place and not getting out of their comfort zone.’ Of course all thoughts about others are a reflection of self so I guess there is a part of me that feels that must be the standard also set for me.

Mainly I am wondering about what to do with my left over pasta because I shouldn’t eat the whole thing as I am full and already trying not to eat too much at the moment.

But eating the whole thing does seem like an easier option.